Is it Really Summer Vacation?

So,

This is my first Blog post...ever! I'm pretty psyched, I gotta say... I feel like I've entered this whole new vortex of web communication...

So, I guess you're probably in need of some background info on me. I just completed my first year of classes at the Juilliard School in New York. I'm in the Drama Division. I decided to start my own blog because I wanted a platform to be able to share about my experience as a student and as a developing artist.

I'm also a smidge older than the average Drama Division student, so I'm having a fairly different experience. I'm 29 years old, and the average Drama Division student is around 18. I wanted to be able to share my experiences in order to help other mature artists who are considering venturing back into a professional training program.

The biggest question I've been asked is: "Why go back to school...now?" I graduated from a liberal arts school in New York City with a Theatre degree back in 2002. At that time, I was convinced I didn't want to go to graduate school. I was a strong believer that in order for an actor to learn the craft of acting, they had to go out and get work. And that worked for me for a while. After I graduated, I worked with a commercial agent and started going out on auditions. I didn't book anything, but figured it was just a matter of time. But after a couple years I felt like nothing was happening. I decided to leave New York, and moved back to the DC area. I took classes at the Shakespeare Theatre and then looked into an Acting Apprentice program at Actors Theatre of Louisville. The concept was very much in line with my belief: "in order to learn the craft, one must just practice." When I finished the program, we produced an actors showcase through which I began a relationship with my first legit agent. I was thrilled! I thought this was all I needed for the "big jobs" to start rolling in.

I worked with this particular agency for about two years. The very same thing happened: I was sent out on calls, theatre calls, commercial calls, and I would get called back and got very close to booking a few national commercials, but could never seal the deal! I began to wonder what it was. Was it me? My talent? (or perhaps lack thereof), my size? (I was a size 14 and thought that every time I didn't get a job it was because of my weight!). I soon realized that I was also at a point in my life creatively that I felt I really didn't have much to offer. I felt that if I was called into a room to "create" and to have a sense of control in a "creative process" that I wouldn't be able to hold my own. That I had to rely on a director in order for any project to "work". This ultimately left me feeling powerless as an artist, and very much thrown to the will of the industry.

I was just about to give up all hope when I had a conversation with a friend of mine from work. He is an actor that worked a lot in his twenties. Tons of commercial and voiceover work. We were having a conversation about the the fact that it seemed like only all the grad school kids came out and were able to book all the big gigs. That it seemed like the average actor without a grad school education could potentially take years before he/she could make the same kind of mark someone did who went to school. As actors we were shocked that even in the artistic world, education was becoming more valued than experience. By the end of the conversation, we were both feeling a little despondent, however it suddenly hit me: "Carolyn, it's never too late to change your experience, to potentially turn your life around!" That very same day I decided to apply to grad programs for Acting. Until that moment, I'd considered going back to school for all sorts of other things: massage therapy, global studies. But acting? That just felt redundant. But I was determined. I told myself that I would never know unless I tried. I applied to my 3 top dream schools: University of California at San Diego, Yale School of Drama, and Juilliard. Funny enough, Juilliard was my last choice. I just felt like an acting program that would take 4 years to complete would just be too long. I instead aimed for Yale. Sadly, I wasn't accepted! I was a bit down, but then heard word from both UCSD and Juilliard. I had to make a decision between both schools, and for a while I was honestly not sure which school to choose! For years I'd wanted to move to California, and the opportunity to go to school out there just seemed like the perfect impetus for a move. But when I went out to visit, I was surprised that the school itself didn't speak to me. I came back and was a bit confused about what to do. Then a friend of mine who was urging me to go to Juilliard, got me free tickets to a show being performed by a couple 4th year students in the program. I went to see the show, and it was some of the strongest work I'd seen in years! It was a production of Topdog/Underdog that nearly rivalled the Broadway production I'd seen years prior. Not only was the work amazing, but they were warmest, most welcoming group of actors I think I'd ever met. The environment just felt like a place I could grow creatively, more than anything it felt like it was a safe space to do so.

One reason I'd never applied to grad school before was because I was deathly afraid of the cost. I figured there was no way I'd be able to afford it. But Juilliard made my dream a reality by offering me a full ride! I mean if that's not a dream come true, what is? Obviously, my decision was made!